These past few weeks have been a wake up call for me. I've decided that living in the dark is no longer an option for me. I've picked up my bible, brushed up on some reading and gave the good Lord a call. I've realized that the more I push him away the more my problems overwhelm me. I grew up knowing Him and I never COMPLETELY let go but I have slacked off a good bit. I've become a person I didn't want to be. Jealous, selfish, angry, bitter, self absorbed...the list could go on. I don't want to be her anymore. I don't want to live in this disastrous lifestyle I've created all on my own. So here's what I've acknowledged lately.
The year 2010 sucked all the way around. I lost two blessings, my husband was deployed for a chunk of it that then carried on into 2011. He did however return to me [THANK GOD] but we were once again given a blessing that was taken away. Plus a bunch of other crap to send someone over the edge. ANYWAY...with all that said...it takes a lot out of a person to have to deal with this crap. I guess since I did let all of it get the best of me, I changed.
But like I said, I've crawled out of the hole and making changes. God has a plan for Seth and I and I'm going to patiently wait on him to reveal it. Even if it takes years. I want to be a mother desperately. I even make wishes in my dreams to become one. But if it's not in His will right now [or even never] I can't argue. I just accept it and live my life for Him.
Instead of being jealous, and angry at those who are being blessed with motherhood....I have to realize that I don't make the decisions and I have no right to say "who gets what". I'm just Lindsey.
I'm okay with the cards that have been dealt for me. I'm okay with where my life is. Even though I have angel babies I'm still one of the most blessed people around. Instead of being bitter for the things I don't have....I'm going to praise Him for the things I do have. A loving husband, a roof over my head, being able to eat when I want, an amazing family, awesome friends, financial stability.....that list could on and on as well (:
I'll never stop wanting to be a mom. I'll never stop praying for my miracle. But I will stop being bitter about not getting what I want RIGHT away. Like I said, God has a plan for Us. And I'm positive he'll give us what we want in his time. <3
It's taken me awhile to get to this place I'm at now. I've REALLY had to pray on letting it all go. Even though things don't make sense right now I know they will in time. I just keep telling myself that.
I still got my appointment OCT 20 and I'm not going to lie....I'm excited. Mainly, just to get results. Any for that matter. I hope they can find my problem and solve it with ease. I'm praying HARD!!! I shall keep you updated <3
For those who read my blogs....Thank you.
