Whew, it's been awhile!! So where to start??
My bruise had healed itself around 11 weeks so I was let off bed rest :) Thank God!! So far the baby is growing healthy and strong. It's truly a miracle...One that I thank God for EVERYDAY!!! He really does provide. I'm in awe of this blessing and my love for this baby has grown with every breath I take.
For a long time I never thought we would be here.... I thought about giving up so many times but I always felt God telling me "Be patient for I have big plans for you two." Boy did he :)
Everyday is a struggle though. Trying not to worry and think the worst is my biggest flaw. I know that my God is going to take care of me but I still can't help from feeling like this. I've never made it this far before so it's very new to me. Every little twinge, cramp, or pain I feel...I'm on google searching away. I have seen the doctor twice now since my random cramping started and he said it's just my uterus growing. Which makes me feel better. But I still find myself being a worry wort. I know that's not a good thing either. :( I feel bad for always thinking the worst. When instead I should be laying all these concerns/stress/worries at God's feet. That's what he's here for. I mean, I do, do that but I always end up picking it back up again!!! I'm working on changing that though.
Besides all the emotions, the pregnancy has been kind of rough. I had morning sickness from week 6 to about week 13 1/2. I still get random waves of it but overall I'm good. I've been able to eat so that's awesome :) I'm trying to eat healthy and cut back on the sweets. I don't want preclamsia, GD [gestational diabetes] or to gain a TON of weight. I have found myself craving Diet Mt. Dew again and I've gave in a few times. :( But I mainly drink water and juice. So as long as I don't over-indulge I think I'll be good.
I had a doctor's appointment this past Thursday and everything was good. No infections, baby is healthy, and I'm good. :) YAY!! I love GOOD news!! I was also given about an 80 percent chance that we're having a girl!!! I've had the gut feeling we were carrying a girl from the beginning anyway. The doctor said it could change but I don't think it will. I don't go back till March 8th so it feels so farrrrr away!! I thought time would have sped up some since I'm in my second trimester but it hasn't lol Oh well. I'm just going to sit back, enjoy the pregnancy, and pray that things continue to go smoothly. :)
So on to other things now;;
We finally got a new car!! 2008 Nissan Altima. It's super nice and has all the bells and whistles (: Defiantly an upgrade from our first car here. God really does take care of us!!! <3
We've been discussing our future here lately too. Since the Army is making a lot of cut backs we're scared that Seth could be one of them. But I'm praying like crazy he's not. We've been taken care of financially since we both left our parents house so it's scary to think about a future without that stability. Especially with a baby on the way. I mean, if we gotta go back to the civilian world we'll do whatever to make ends meet and provide for our child. I haven't worked in about 2 years so I'm hoping that I can get a job to help out. I do feel bad that Seth has had to take care of me since we got married. But we both discussed that if I didn't wanna work here I didn't have to. ANYWAY!!! I hope it doesn't come down to that and he's able to stay in. If so, we're hoping they don't try to keep us here longer. I mean, this place isn't HORRIBLE but it's not home. We've been gone for so long and I don't want to miss anymore of our family's lives. If we do have to stay here I guess we'll just suck it up, be thankful, and save money. If not I hope we get a base that's close to home. :)
So, I've discussed pregnancy, new car, our future.....Mmm. Can't think of anything else to fill you all in on. Oh for those who don't know the name of our little girl it's Delylah Ann-Renee Strickland <3
Okay, I think I've covered it all!! Thank you for those who read my blog and care. LOVE YOU!!! <3
13 February 2012
10 December 2011
My God is an AWESOME God.
I just can't say it enough :) He really is truly amazing. Without Him, my life would more than incomplete it would be nothing.
As you all know I've struggled with 4 miscarriages and trying to find answers to why they kept happening. Well, I got lucky to find a very good, understanding doctor here in Germany. He ran test and found my problem. Low progesterone and even a thyroid problem. Something I never suspected on my own. After two weeks on progesterone I got my BFP!!! My first reaction was "woah!" then excitement, then the most obvious....worry/being scared. All I could think about was "What if I miscarry again?" My past flashed before me....playing all the imagines of those horrible moments. I began to cry. I don't want to go through that again. It's the most awful feeling ever. I don't wish that pain on ANYONE not even my worse enemy. So as I'm sitting there staring at this positive test, with tears running down my face, I began to pray. And I haven't stopped to this day.
After I got the confirmation at the doctors I felt better, then one night I started to get cramps and a weird discharge. So I go to the hospital and the doctor there worried me a bit more. Mainly, cause during the whole exam he made all these concerned faces and didn't really answer any of my questions. All he told me was "call your doctor Monday morning" and sent me home. =/ Well, I call my doctor that Monday and they ended up seeing me that afternoon. So to make a long story short....I got an ultrasound by another doctor in the office who's never seen me, or dealt with me...so that was new. Anyway, he was looking in my uterus and saw the "sac" but thought it was a cyst because he thought I said my last period was in August which would have put me at like 13-14 weeks at the time. So he was all over my ovaries, and tubes looking because they're clearly wasn't anything in my uterus that appeared to be 13-14 weeks. That brought up the ectopic pregnancy. I was then scared out of mind!!! I was like "Omg, what can you do" [at this point, we still haven't clarified that my last period was in October] He's explaining what's going to happen, yada yada. Then he says "I'm sorry, I just don't see a 13 week pregnancy here" I'm like "13 weeks? Um, no I should only be 4 weeks and 5 days" He then turns the whole conversation around saying "ohhhhh okay. Then this "cyst" would be a sac. Cause this is a sign of early pregnancy" My heart is still in my gut at this point so I try to pick myself up and calm down. He then goes on to explain that there still is a chance for ectopic because he see's something in my ovary. I then go back to panic. So after talking to him some more I go and get my blood taken. He tells me if levels are going up normal than the risk is not likely. a few hours later I get my results and levels are still going up. That Wednesday I start bleeding :( I go to the hospital, get another ultrasound and the sac had grown....showing what looked like a fetal pole about to develop. [which is good] she then saw another sac saying it could possibly be a twin but won't grow anymore. My bleeding eventually stopped, and I then left to go home. I had an appointment the next morning with my original doctor. He did another ultrasound and discovered that the other "sac" she saw was a bruise. It's caused when the egg attaches to the uterus and some veins get tangled or something. So with that being said I'm on bed rest for 14days, maybe longer if needed.
Well, this past Thursday I went back to the doctor and looks like things are progressing normally. Even had a heartbeat :) but I'm still on bed rest. While it sucks, I'm going to do whatever I have to, to keep my baby safe. I've never been this far, so things are really new and exciting. I have full faith in God that he's going to take care of us. He promised to never leave me and I trust that he won't. I know that he won't. That brings me to my next subject;; My faith. It's grown so much since my journey began. I'm grateful for all that I've gone through. It's been a big eye-opener. I've learned about myself, my faith, and my God. I believe that I've been put through these trials to grab my attention back to Him. He knew I needed him and I was just to stubborn to give him. But I'm so glad I did. Cause life has truly gotten better. I'm not saying all your problems go away and life becomes perfect. I'm saying that with Him in your life trials are easier to overcome, and you realize how blessed you really are.
I'm really in need of a good church but I have no one to go with :( and I don't know where there are any churches that speak English? I guess I should do some research. Anyway!!! THis is what's going on in my life right now and I wanted to share it :) Thank you for all your prayers and being here for me. It's nice to have a support group. I'll be sure to keep you all updated!!! LOVE YOU!!!
As you all know I've struggled with 4 miscarriages and trying to find answers to why they kept happening. Well, I got lucky to find a very good, understanding doctor here in Germany. He ran test and found my problem. Low progesterone and even a thyroid problem. Something I never suspected on my own. After two weeks on progesterone I got my BFP!!! My first reaction was "woah!" then excitement, then the most obvious....worry/being scared. All I could think about was "What if I miscarry again?" My past flashed before me....playing all the imagines of those horrible moments. I began to cry. I don't want to go through that again. It's the most awful feeling ever. I don't wish that pain on ANYONE not even my worse enemy. So as I'm sitting there staring at this positive test, with tears running down my face, I began to pray. And I haven't stopped to this day.
After I got the confirmation at the doctors I felt better, then one night I started to get cramps and a weird discharge. So I go to the hospital and the doctor there worried me a bit more. Mainly, cause during the whole exam he made all these concerned faces and didn't really answer any of my questions. All he told me was "call your doctor Monday morning" and sent me home. =/ Well, I call my doctor that Monday and they ended up seeing me that afternoon. So to make a long story short....I got an ultrasound by another doctor in the office who's never seen me, or dealt with me...so that was new. Anyway, he was looking in my uterus and saw the "sac" but thought it was a cyst because he thought I said my last period was in August which would have put me at like 13-14 weeks at the time. So he was all over my ovaries, and tubes looking because they're clearly wasn't anything in my uterus that appeared to be 13-14 weeks. That brought up the ectopic pregnancy. I was then scared out of mind!!! I was like "Omg, what can you do" [at this point, we still haven't clarified that my last period was in October] He's explaining what's going to happen, yada yada. Then he says "I'm sorry, I just don't see a 13 week pregnancy here" I'm like "13 weeks? Um, no I should only be 4 weeks and 5 days" He then turns the whole conversation around saying "ohhhhh okay. Then this "cyst" would be a sac. Cause this is a sign of early pregnancy" My heart is still in my gut at this point so I try to pick myself up and calm down. He then goes on to explain that there still is a chance for ectopic because he see's something in my ovary. I then go back to panic. So after talking to him some more I go and get my blood taken. He tells me if levels are going up normal than the risk is not likely. a few hours later I get my results and levels are still going up. That Wednesday I start bleeding :( I go to the hospital, get another ultrasound and the sac had grown....showing what looked like a fetal pole about to develop. [which is good] she then saw another sac saying it could possibly be a twin but won't grow anymore. My bleeding eventually stopped, and I then left to go home. I had an appointment the next morning with my original doctor. He did another ultrasound and discovered that the other "sac" she saw was a bruise. It's caused when the egg attaches to the uterus and some veins get tangled or something. So with that being said I'm on bed rest for 14days, maybe longer if needed.
Well, this past Thursday I went back to the doctor and looks like things are progressing normally. Even had a heartbeat :) but I'm still on bed rest. While it sucks, I'm going to do whatever I have to, to keep my baby safe. I've never been this far, so things are really new and exciting. I have full faith in God that he's going to take care of us. He promised to never leave me and I trust that he won't. I know that he won't. That brings me to my next subject;; My faith. It's grown so much since my journey began. I'm grateful for all that I've gone through. It's been a big eye-opener. I've learned about myself, my faith, and my God. I believe that I've been put through these trials to grab my attention back to Him. He knew I needed him and I was just to stubborn to give him. But I'm so glad I did. Cause life has truly gotten better. I'm not saying all your problems go away and life becomes perfect. I'm saying that with Him in your life trials are easier to overcome, and you realize how blessed you really are.
I'm really in need of a good church but I have no one to go with :( and I don't know where there are any churches that speak English? I guess I should do some research. Anyway!!! THis is what's going on in my life right now and I wanted to share it :) Thank you for all your prayers and being here for me. It's nice to have a support group. I'll be sure to keep you all updated!!! LOVE YOU!!!
16 October 2011
Just a stupid rant about nothing
Another 5 days and I'll be going to the doctor. (: I'm nervous, and a little excited. Just really hoping I don't get bad news. I don't think I could handle anymore. I'm going to keep praying that we get answers and the easy fix. Also, a lot more paitence lol I know this process is a long road and not all problems get solved in 1 visit. So yeah, a lot of praying going on here. hehe
Besides baby talk;;;
This past week has been so blah! I'm homesick X's 100000. I just wish I could hug my mama and daddy :*( I've missed both birthdays and I'll miss the holidays as well. First year without them. We can't afford the stupid plane tickets because they decide to charge you a ba-jillion dollars per ticket. Sucks being stationed in a country that's FAR FAR AWAY!!! The only benefit to being here that we'll be able to travel around Europe. Other than that, it sucks monkey balls. Nothing about this country is appealing to me. All there is to do is;; sight see, get wasted, and go to the PX to blow money. Not a very exciting life is it? Nope.
You may say "Well, what do you expect to be different when you get back to the states?" Um...EVERYTHING? Seriously. I can't stress this enough....AMERCIANS DO NOT REALIZE HOW AMAZING YOU GOT IT. Wal-mart, stores opened till like 9pm, Waffle freaking house, awesome fast-food resturants, bars that actually know how to make drinks besides "Vodka and redbull, sex on the beach, tequilla sunrise, and jack & coke" Trust me, those get old SO FAST. I miss all the "sit down" resturants too. Like, Applebees, TGIFridays, Longhorn, OutBack. All those yummy places :)
Don't get me wrong the places here are nice and all but it doesn't compare to my places back home.
Yes, I just noticed that all of those things require money....I'm not dumb. I also don't expect to do those ALL the time. It's just nice to have SO many options.
Ahh and the summers in the states are going to be awesome cause we'll have A/C. No more fans that barely work. In the winter, it will be nice to have an actual heating system instead of a heater that takes FOREVER to warm up.
Blah.
I've noticed that I complain to much. Bahahahaha. Oh well.
Besides baby talk;;;
This past week has been so blah! I'm homesick X's 100000. I just wish I could hug my mama and daddy :*( I've missed both birthdays and I'll miss the holidays as well. First year without them. We can't afford the stupid plane tickets because they decide to charge you a ba-jillion dollars per ticket. Sucks being stationed in a country that's FAR FAR AWAY!!! The only benefit to being here that we'll be able to travel around Europe. Other than that, it sucks monkey balls. Nothing about this country is appealing to me. All there is to do is;; sight see, get wasted, and go to the PX to blow money. Not a very exciting life is it? Nope.
You may say "Well, what do you expect to be different when you get back to the states?" Um...EVERYTHING? Seriously. I can't stress this enough....AMERCIANS DO NOT REALIZE HOW AMAZING YOU GOT IT. Wal-mart, stores opened till like 9pm, Waffle freaking house, awesome fast-food resturants, bars that actually know how to make drinks besides "Vodka and redbull, sex on the beach, tequilla sunrise, and jack & coke" Trust me, those get old SO FAST. I miss all the "sit down" resturants too. Like, Applebees, TGIFridays, Longhorn, OutBack. All those yummy places :)
Don't get me wrong the places here are nice and all but it doesn't compare to my places back home.
Yes, I just noticed that all of those things require money....I'm not dumb. I also don't expect to do those ALL the time. It's just nice to have SO many options.
Ahh and the summers in the states are going to be awesome cause we'll have A/C. No more fans that barely work. In the winter, it will be nice to have an actual heating system instead of a heater that takes FOREVER to warm up.
Blah.
I've noticed that I complain to much. Bahahahaha. Oh well.
12 October 2011
October 20th
I'm getting closer to the big day! I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I just pray to God that we get the answers we've waited on for awhile.
I'm such a hypochondriac that every little thing I read makes me think "oh, this could be it" I need to stop self-diagnosing myself.... I only freak myself out that way! So that's the main reason I'm excited. I'll finally get some kind of answer. Well, I hope at least.
I'm praying like crazy!! All I want in this world is to be a mommy and Seth to be a daddy.
Ahh Seth has been so wonderful through this process. He's really kept me calm and seems to be optimistic. Defiantly something I need right now. But I'm scared to be much cause what if I get bad news? I don't wanna build myself up to only be torn down again. :( I don't know, I guess I'll just have to keep patient.
8 more days!!
Other than baby stuff....I feel like this place is crushing me. I've never been more homesick in my life. I feel like I have no friends here anymore and that I've been cast out of whatever "circle" I was in.
Everyone I do know is getting to leave this hell whole A LOT sooner than we are. It's unfair. Not gonna lie, I'm jealous of them.
I understand the Army is all about moving around and whatnot but I've been gone for a long and I won't be seeing the states until NEXT year. And unless I get pregnant anytime soon it won't be till July. Which is better than October. [Seth is sending me home 3months earlier] ANYWAY!! Being placed in another country when your 100% american is hard. At first I hated this place, then grew to really like it and even missed it when we were gone....but now I'm back to hating it. Nothing against the country or people itself...it's just not HOME.
I miss my parents more than anything. I know we have skype and telephones but it's not the same. :(
I just wanna be back in the states.
I miss Wal-mart, waffle house, Wal-mart, the mall, REAL McDonald's, all the yummy restaurants, Wal-Mart, my best friend, being around people who speak my language [no language barrier] and the list goes on and on. lol
Ugh.
it's just one of those nights.
That's why I'm glad I have a blog to rant in. <3
I'm such a hypochondriac that every little thing I read makes me think "oh, this could be it" I need to stop self-diagnosing myself.... I only freak myself out that way! So that's the main reason I'm excited. I'll finally get some kind of answer. Well, I hope at least.
I'm praying like crazy!! All I want in this world is to be a mommy and Seth to be a daddy.
Ahh Seth has been so wonderful through this process. He's really kept me calm and seems to be optimistic. Defiantly something I need right now. But I'm scared to be much cause what if I get bad news? I don't wanna build myself up to only be torn down again. :( I don't know, I guess I'll just have to keep patient.
8 more days!!
Other than baby stuff....I feel like this place is crushing me. I've never been more homesick in my life. I feel like I have no friends here anymore and that I've been cast out of whatever "circle" I was in.
Everyone I do know is getting to leave this hell whole A LOT sooner than we are. It's unfair. Not gonna lie, I'm jealous of them.
I understand the Army is all about moving around and whatnot but I've been gone for a long and I won't be seeing the states until NEXT year. And unless I get pregnant anytime soon it won't be till July. Which is better than October. [Seth is sending me home 3months earlier] ANYWAY!! Being placed in another country when your 100% american is hard. At first I hated this place, then grew to really like it and even missed it when we were gone....but now I'm back to hating it. Nothing against the country or people itself...it's just not HOME.
I miss my parents more than anything. I know we have skype and telephones but it's not the same. :(
I just wanna be back in the states.
I miss Wal-mart, waffle house, Wal-mart, the mall, REAL McDonald's, all the yummy restaurants, Wal-Mart, my best friend, being around people who speak my language [no language barrier] and the list goes on and on. lol
Ugh.
it's just one of those nights.
That's why I'm glad I have a blog to rant in. <3
29 September 2011
I think I'm going to be okay.
These past few weeks have been a wake up call for me. I've decided that living in the dark is no longer an option for me. I've picked up my bible, brushed up on some reading and gave the good Lord a call. I've realized that the more I push him away the more my problems overwhelm me. I grew up knowing Him and I never COMPLETELY let go but I have slacked off a good bit. I've become a person I didn't want to be. Jealous, selfish, angry, bitter, self absorbed...the list could go on. I don't want to be her anymore. I don't want to live in this disastrous lifestyle I've created all on my own. So here's what I've acknowledged lately.
The year 2010 sucked all the way around. I lost two blessings, my husband was deployed for a chunk of it that then carried on into 2011. He did however return to me [THANK GOD] but we were once again given a blessing that was taken away. Plus a bunch of other crap to send someone over the edge. ANYWAY...with all that said...it takes a lot out of a person to have to deal with this crap. I guess since I did let all of it get the best of me, I changed.
But like I said, I've crawled out of the hole and making changes. God has a plan for Seth and I and I'm going to patiently wait on him to reveal it. Even if it takes years. I want to be a mother desperately. I even make wishes in my dreams to become one. But if it's not in His will right now [or even never] I can't argue. I just accept it and live my life for Him.
Instead of being jealous, and angry at those who are being blessed with motherhood....I have to realize that I don't make the decisions and I have no right to say "who gets what". I'm just Lindsey.
I'm okay with the cards that have been dealt for me. I'm okay with where my life is. Even though I have angel babies I'm still one of the most blessed people around. Instead of being bitter for the things I don't have....I'm going to praise Him for the things I do have. A loving husband, a roof over my head, being able to eat when I want, an amazing family, awesome friends, financial stability.....that list could on and on as well (:
I'll never stop wanting to be a mom. I'll never stop praying for my miracle. But I will stop being bitter about not getting what I want RIGHT away. Like I said, God has a plan for Us. And I'm positive he'll give us what we want in his time. <3
It's taken me awhile to get to this place I'm at now. I've REALLY had to pray on letting it all go. Even though things don't make sense right now I know they will in time. I just keep telling myself that.
I still got my appointment OCT 20 and I'm not going to lie....I'm excited. Mainly, just to get results. Any for that matter. I hope they can find my problem and solve it with ease. I'm praying HARD!!! I shall keep you updated <3
For those who read my blogs....Thank you.
The year 2010 sucked all the way around. I lost two blessings, my husband was deployed for a chunk of it that then carried on into 2011. He did however return to me [THANK GOD] but we were once again given a blessing that was taken away. Plus a bunch of other crap to send someone over the edge. ANYWAY...with all that said...it takes a lot out of a person to have to deal with this crap. I guess since I did let all of it get the best of me, I changed.
But like I said, I've crawled out of the hole and making changes. God has a plan for Seth and I and I'm going to patiently wait on him to reveal it. Even if it takes years. I want to be a mother desperately. I even make wishes in my dreams to become one. But if it's not in His will right now [or even never] I can't argue. I just accept it and live my life for Him.
Instead of being jealous, and angry at those who are being blessed with motherhood....I have to realize that I don't make the decisions and I have no right to say "who gets what". I'm just Lindsey.
I'm okay with the cards that have been dealt for me. I'm okay with where my life is. Even though I have angel babies I'm still one of the most blessed people around. Instead of being bitter for the things I don't have....I'm going to praise Him for the things I do have. A loving husband, a roof over my head, being able to eat when I want, an amazing family, awesome friends, financial stability.....that list could on and on as well (:
I'll never stop wanting to be a mom. I'll never stop praying for my miracle. But I will stop being bitter about not getting what I want RIGHT away. Like I said, God has a plan for Us. And I'm positive he'll give us what we want in his time. <3
It's taken me awhile to get to this place I'm at now. I've REALLY had to pray on letting it all go. Even though things don't make sense right now I know they will in time. I just keep telling myself that.
I still got my appointment OCT 20 and I'm not going to lie....I'm excited. Mainly, just to get results. Any for that matter. I hope they can find my problem and solve it with ease. I'm praying HARD!!! I shall keep you updated <3
For those who read my blogs....Thank you.
17 August 2011
Been over an year!!!
I haven't blogged in a LONG time...so I guess since my boredom has gotten the best of me I'll write one.
Seth is back from deployment!!! We survived :) and still going strong to this day <3
A lot has happened since I wrote last.....
I was ONCE again given a blessing only to have it taken away. I just don't understand and it's killing me that the doctors haven't given me any answers.
All I want is a child. I want a family for Seth and I. I want to be a mother. I want Seth to be a father. Is that TOOO HARD TO ASK FOR???? At this point in my life I'm just emotionally drained. I keep trying to picture my life with a little baby but it's hard. I think I've almost gave up. I know people keep telling me "All in God's time" or "Be patient sweetie" or "It will happen. Just don't think about it". Yeah,
it's easy to say that when you've had success.
I'm back at that place I was over a year ago. Every pregnant women pisses me off, everyone that has a baby pisses me off..... I guess you could call it good ol' fashion jealousy. I know I sound like an asshole but it's how I feel.
Everyday I sign into my Facebook a new person posts "I'M PREGNANT!!!!" then continue to have a successful, healthy pregnancy. It makes me angry because half of them aren't married...or they have such crappy marriages that think a baby is going to fix it.
It still bothers me drug users and whore's get what I want so desperately. When will the unfairness end? When WHEN WHENNNNNN will it be my turn?????!!!!???
I know I rant on this a lot...but till you've had to deal with what I've had to then maybe you'd understand a little better. =/
I'm waiting on TriCare to call me with my appointment to see a Fertility doctor. I'm praying and hoping that I'll get my answers. Negative or Positive, that's all I want is ANSWERS!!! That way if I'm told "Mr & Mrs. Strickland, you will be unable to have children" I can make steps to looking into other options.
I think the first one I'd look into would be Surrogacy. If that doesn't go well, then adoption it is. But I'll of course have to wait till I'm 25. But I guess if I've waited this long I can do another 4 yrs?
Blah.
Just a depressive mood has got a hold of me.
Sorry =/
But I shall keep everyone posted, for those who care.
Seth is back from deployment!!! We survived :) and still going strong to this day <3
A lot has happened since I wrote last.....
I was ONCE again given a blessing only to have it taken away. I just don't understand and it's killing me that the doctors haven't given me any answers.
All I want is a child. I want a family for Seth and I. I want to be a mother. I want Seth to be a father. Is that TOOO HARD TO ASK FOR???? At this point in my life I'm just emotionally drained. I keep trying to picture my life with a little baby but it's hard. I think I've almost gave up. I know people keep telling me "All in God's time" or "Be patient sweetie" or "It will happen. Just don't think about it". Yeah,
it's easy to say that when you've had success.
I'm back at that place I was over a year ago. Every pregnant women pisses me off, everyone that has a baby pisses me off..... I guess you could call it good ol' fashion jealousy. I know I sound like an asshole but it's how I feel.
Everyday I sign into my Facebook a new person posts "I'M PREGNANT!!!!" then continue to have a successful, healthy pregnancy. It makes me angry because half of them aren't married...or they have such crappy marriages that think a baby is going to fix it.
It still bothers me drug users and whore's get what I want so desperately. When will the unfairness end? When WHEN WHENNNNNN will it be my turn?????!!!!???
I know I rant on this a lot...but till you've had to deal with what I've had to then maybe you'd understand a little better. =/
I'm waiting on TriCare to call me with my appointment to see a Fertility doctor. I'm praying and hoping that I'll get my answers. Negative or Positive, that's all I want is ANSWERS!!! That way if I'm told "Mr & Mrs. Strickland, you will be unable to have children" I can make steps to looking into other options.
I think the first one I'd look into would be Surrogacy. If that doesn't go well, then adoption it is. But I'll of course have to wait till I'm 25. But I guess if I've waited this long I can do another 4 yrs?
Blah.
Just a depressive mood has got a hold of me.
Sorry =/
But I shall keep everyone posted, for those who care.
11 July 2010
In another light.
Third week down since Seth left for deployment....and surprisingly I'm doing great. I miss him terribly, but I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.
God as really been on side, helping me walk this walk, and protecting my husband and his guys.
I never thought I'd turn back to my faith, but I'm really trying too. He's blessed me so much and I never really thanked him for it. I've been a selfish, bitter person. For that, I'm sorry.
I've been given two pregnancies and for some reason God took those children away from me. I think I have the first one figured out though....I wasn't meant for Nick and that baby just would have been in the middle of a never-ending drama filled life. Also, if that baby would have been born, Seth and me wouldn't be together.
This second one, I'm not sure why. Maybe God wanted to see how strong I could be during deployment...if I could do this army life thing. At the time, I was weak and so pessimistic about Seth leaving. I only focused on the bad things, like "will he be okay". "will I have a marriage to hold on to" All these bad things just rushed through my head....
I think God took that baby away because deep down we weren't ready for it.
I've been blessed with a husband who really does love me...even though we've had arguments, and felt like we were being torn....we came back together and healed. I know that God put us together for reason's I can't explain sometimes. But I'm thankful to have him. Most people go their whole lives without finding the "one" without being able to truly love another.
There's so many things going through my head and I just wanted to put it out there. Even if this just seems like a rambled mess. Well, it kinda is. haha
I wonder everyday if I'm ever going to be a mother. If I'm ever gonna get the chance to hold a baby in my arms that's all of Seth and me. I wonder if I'll get the chance to love something sooo much and have that special bond.
It does hurt not knowing if I'll be able to experience that....
I would love to be able to have a least ONE child. A healthy boy or girl. I want to make Seth a daddy, my parents and his grandparents. I want to have a family sooo bad. I want all of these things.
I understand that God gives and takes away, but for once I'd like to have something that wasn't taken away.
I guess it's all in his hands, all in his time. Things happen for a reason. I guess it's just time to sit back, relax and see where our lives take us.
And in time, when he's ready, he'll give us that family we want so badly.
God as really been on side, helping me walk this walk, and protecting my husband and his guys.
I never thought I'd turn back to my faith, but I'm really trying too. He's blessed me so much and I never really thanked him for it. I've been a selfish, bitter person. For that, I'm sorry.
I've been given two pregnancies and for some reason God took those children away from me. I think I have the first one figured out though....I wasn't meant for Nick and that baby just would have been in the middle of a never-ending drama filled life. Also, if that baby would have been born, Seth and me wouldn't be together.
This second one, I'm not sure why. Maybe God wanted to see how strong I could be during deployment...if I could do this army life thing. At the time, I was weak and so pessimistic about Seth leaving. I only focused on the bad things, like "will he be okay". "will I have a marriage to hold on to" All these bad things just rushed through my head....
I think God took that baby away because deep down we weren't ready for it.
I've been blessed with a husband who really does love me...even though we've had arguments, and felt like we were being torn....we came back together and healed. I know that God put us together for reason's I can't explain sometimes. But I'm thankful to have him. Most people go their whole lives without finding the "one" without being able to truly love another.
There's so many things going through my head and I just wanted to put it out there. Even if this just seems like a rambled mess. Well, it kinda is. haha
I wonder everyday if I'm ever going to be a mother. If I'm ever gonna get the chance to hold a baby in my arms that's all of Seth and me. I wonder if I'll get the chance to love something sooo much and have that special bond.
It does hurt not knowing if I'll be able to experience that....
I would love to be able to have a least ONE child. A healthy boy or girl. I want to make Seth a daddy, my parents and his grandparents. I want to have a family sooo bad. I want all of these things.
I understand that God gives and takes away, but for once I'd like to have something that wasn't taken away.
I guess it's all in his hands, all in his time. Things happen for a reason. I guess it's just time to sit back, relax and see where our lives take us.
And in time, when he's ready, he'll give us that family we want so badly.
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