In another light.

Third week down since Seth left for deployment....and surprisingly I'm doing great. I miss him terribly, but I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.
God as really been on side, helping me walk this walk, and protecting my husband and his guys.
I never thought I'd turn back to my faith, but I'm really trying too. He's blessed me so much and I never really thanked him for it. I've been a selfish, bitter person. For that, I'm sorry.


I've been given two pregnancies and for some reason God took those children away from me. I think I have the first one figured out though....I wasn't meant for Nick and that baby just would have been in the middle of a never-ending drama filled life. Also, if that baby would have been born, Seth and me wouldn't be together.
This second one, I'm not sure why. Maybe God wanted to see how strong I could be during deployment...if I could do this army life thing. At the time, I was weak and so pessimistic about Seth leaving. I only focused on the bad things, like "will he be okay". "will I have a marriage to hold on to" All these bad things just rushed through my head....
I think God took that baby away because deep down we weren't ready for it.
I've been blessed with a husband who really does love me...even though we've had arguments, and felt like we were being torn....we came back together and healed. I know that God put us together for reason's I can't explain sometimes. But I'm thankful to have him. Most people go their whole lives without finding the "one" without being able to truly love another.

There's so many things going through my head and I just wanted to put it out there. Even if this just seems like a rambled mess. Well, it kinda is. haha

I wonder everyday if I'm ever going to be a mother. If I'm ever gonna get the chance to hold a baby in my arms that's all of Seth and me. I wonder if I'll get the chance to love something sooo much and have that special bond.
It does hurt not knowing if I'll be able to experience that....

I would love to be able to have a least ONE child. A healthy boy or girl. I want to make Seth a daddy, my parents and his grandparents. I want to have a family sooo bad. I want all of these things.

I understand that God gives and takes away, but for once I'd like to have something that wasn't taken away.

I guess it's all in his hands, all in his time. Things happen for a reason. I guess it's just time to sit back, relax and see where our lives take us.

And in time, when he's ready, he'll give us that family we want so badly.