In another light.

Third week down since Seth left for deployment....and surprisingly I'm doing great. I miss him terribly, but I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.
God as really been on side, helping me walk this walk, and protecting my husband and his guys.
I never thought I'd turn back to my faith, but I'm really trying too. He's blessed me so much and I never really thanked him for it. I've been a selfish, bitter person. For that, I'm sorry.


I've been given two pregnancies and for some reason God took those children away from me. I think I have the first one figured out though....I wasn't meant for Nick and that baby just would have been in the middle of a never-ending drama filled life. Also, if that baby would have been born, Seth and me wouldn't be together.
This second one, I'm not sure why. Maybe God wanted to see how strong I could be during deployment...if I could do this army life thing. At the time, I was weak and so pessimistic about Seth leaving. I only focused on the bad things, like "will he be okay". "will I have a marriage to hold on to" All these bad things just rushed through my head....
I think God took that baby away because deep down we weren't ready for it.
I've been blessed with a husband who really does love me...even though we've had arguments, and felt like we were being torn....we came back together and healed. I know that God put us together for reason's I can't explain sometimes. But I'm thankful to have him. Most people go their whole lives without finding the "one" without being able to truly love another.

There's so many things going through my head and I just wanted to put it out there. Even if this just seems like a rambled mess. Well, it kinda is. haha

I wonder everyday if I'm ever going to be a mother. If I'm ever gonna get the chance to hold a baby in my arms that's all of Seth and me. I wonder if I'll get the chance to love something sooo much and have that special bond.
It does hurt not knowing if I'll be able to experience that....

I would love to be able to have a least ONE child. A healthy boy or girl. I want to make Seth a daddy, my parents and his grandparents. I want to have a family sooo bad. I want all of these things.

I understand that God gives and takes away, but for once I'd like to have something that wasn't taken away.

I guess it's all in his hands, all in his time. Things happen for a reason. I guess it's just time to sit back, relax and see where our lives take us.

And in time, when he's ready, he'll give us that family we want so badly.

deployment has started

Hey! for those that have been following me, sorry I haven't posted much lately.
Anyway, to catch you up on things....Seth is officially gone for an entire year :(
It sucks BAD, but I'm okay.

The goodbye was the hardest part, oh and the first night a lone in our place. Everywhere I look I see Seth....I still haven't been able to sleep in our bed tho. I'm not ready.
So I've been on this couch. Its comfy so I'm all good. I might eventually move there before too long.

I sleep with his pillow to smell him, but now it's just about gone. [like he said]
oh well.
I randomly smell his clothes haha I don't know it thats considered weird?

I don't cry anymore, but I do get down when I do certain things that we used to do...like shopping at the commissary, going to the px, and Graf. We didn't go out a lot cause we preferred just chilling at the house, watching movies, [naughty things], and just talking.

I miss him everyday. More and more.
I just hope time flies by...I don't like being without my best friend.

random bullshit part2

I love how I feel secure having a soldier for a husband. :) Even though we have had our moments, he's still the greatest guy I know and I wouldn't want anyone else.

It sucks being away from home but it's got its advantages. Traveling the world is one, meeting new people, experiencing life outside of america, and making people back in SC jealous that I got out when they want to do the same but can't.

My family reminded me of it when I was home...saying when I was younger I always vowed I'd get out of SC and never come back. I always complained about the state, the people around me, driving everywhere, even wal-mart. So now that I've gotten out, I wished I'd never left. You people really don't know how amazing you got it. Living here, in Germany, is sometimes fun and interesting...but on the flip side it sucks. It's not america, it's not good ol' South Carolina.

I miss the malls.
I miss wal-mart at 3am
I miss driving wherever, and not worry about getting lost.
I miss driving...
I miss the warm summer rain [yeah it's here, but still not the same]
I miss late night drives to the park laying under the stars, talking about nothing. [with my girls]
I miss swimming in my pool [parents house]
I miss the movies at midnight
I miss walking into stores and just looking at things for hours [everything closes so damn early here]
I miss going to Lowes or Home depot with my parents
I miss APPLEBEE'S, TGIF fridays, Cracker barrel, Jack in the box, REAL McDonalds, REAL Burger king, and Taco Bell
I miss so many things, it's insane.
I just want to be home so damn bad it brings tears to my eyes.
That's why I hope the next 41/2 months go by sooo fast so I can spend the Holidays with my family.
Then when I come back, I hope those next 41/2 months go by fassttt so my husband will be back from stupid Afghanistan.
Ahh, then our last year or so in Germany...I hope it goes just as quick.
And if Seth does re-enlist I can only pray for stateside. I'll be beyond pissed if I'm stuck here again :(


A lot of people enjoy it here, and want to stay...more power to you! But Seth and me hate it. So when its time to leave, I hope we're gone!! Fort Benning would be a nice base to get, IF he stays.
Close to family, only 5hours to drive home every other weekend, they could come to us. Ah, I'd love it.
*cross fingers*

I also think those thoughts of the future will keep me strong for this upcoming deployment.
I kinda just want it to start already, so I can get it over with.

Gonna try to stay BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!

For all of you that do pray...please keep Seth in your prays. I have a 100% faith in him. He's a strong willed guy and I have no worries. But a good pray every night will only make it better :)

and so it begins

deployment is coming up soon...and I can't wrap my head around it. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I've gone 3-4 months without him...but now a whole year :(

I'm going to be alone in a foreign country....
what makes it worse is I'm off-post, around Germans. Non-english speaking people.

I've met other wifes that are cool and I think I could make good friendships with but its still scary.

I never thought I'd miss home this much. When I couldn't get over here I was pissed off and wanted to be here more than anything. Then when I finally arrive, and begin my life here...I'm miserable.
Germany is just not the place for me. I much rather be in the states.


There are more and more girls finding out their pregnant...and it's making me sick. :(
I've cried time after time and I'm tired of crying. So whatever, good luck to you lucky bitches. Hope you realize [ones that are young, your life is over :)]

ugh, one girl I know gets blessed with a baby and all she wants to do is party. I'm like, why didn't you wear a FUCKING condom you dumb bitch if you didn't want kids. My god, it pisses me off soooo bad that dumb cunts get blessed with children, why millions of wonderful, loving couples loose theirs or can't have any!!!

i'm so mad right now....

blech!
I just have a million things running through my head...our future after deployment. What's gonna happen when we leave here, money-issues, kids, everything I could think of is in there.

and so it begins

deployment is coming up soon...and I can't wrap my head around it. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I've gone 3-4 months without him...but now a whole year :(

I'm going to be alone in a foreign country....
what makes it worse is I'm off-post, around Germans. Non-english speaking people.

I've met other wifes that are cool and I think I could make good friendships with but its still scary.

I never thought I'd miss home this much. When I couldn't get over here I was pissed off and wanted to be here more than anything. Then when I finally arrive, and begin my life here...I'm miserable.
Germany is just not the place for me. I much rather be in the states.


There are more and more girls finding out their pregnant...and it's making me sick. :(
I've cried time after time and I'm tired of crying. So whatever, good luck to you lucky bitches. Hope you realize [ones that are young, your life is over :)]

ugh, one girl I know gets blessed with a baby and all she wants to do is party. I'm like, why didn't you wear a FUCKING condom you dumb bitch if you didn't want kids. My god, it pisses me off soooo bad that dumb cunts get blessed with children, why millions of wonderful, loving couples loose theirs or can't have any!!!

i'm so mad right now....

blech!
I just have a million things running through my head...our future after deployment. What's gonna happen when we leave here, money-issues, kids, everything I could think of is in there.

everywhere I look..

I see pregnant women. They are EVERYONE on post/at home....and as much as I want to be happy for them....I can't. I'm not ready to jump for joy for them. I know that's mean or even selfish, but I can't help it. :(

I wish them ALL the best of luck, honest. But will I hang out with you? No. Will I attend your baby showers or strike up conversations with you about your baby? No. I don't want anything to do with it.
Cause half of you that are prego, you have what was suppose to be my due date.
After loosing two...then seeing everyone around me living what I want...its hard to be around it. Your all so excited and it kills me that I can't be for ya'll.

I'm a bitch. A bitter, bitter bitch. I have accepted my fate, but doesn't mean I have to be happy for everyone, just yet.

More to the story.

Sorry, these blogs are long!!!

Before I met my husband, I had a boyfriend I dated for 2 years off and on. We had a REALLY rocky relationship. He cheated, I cheated, it just wasn't a pretty combo.

We had sex 3 times with a condom and 3 time was a charm. We had actually broken up before I found out about the pregancy.

It was a horrible day when I discovered the news. I was 18, just graduated high school on my way to college...I didn't want a baby and def not with him. When I finally came to the realization that I had been blessed with a child...I took responsiblity for my actions. I got a job and started to pick up the peices. The father was a real asshole though. He didn't want anything to do with me, or the child. Claiming it wasn't his all that stupid shit...when he was like the ONLY person I had been with. Yeah, he was dumb.
ANYWAY;;;
I was 3months, going on 4 when I found out I miscarried. [I was prego at graduation, and didn't know] I was at a friends house and noticed I had a light spotting. I didn't think anything of it [cause I hadn't done my research] I thought it was normal...so I went on home and passed out.

around 2 that next morning I woke up with SHARP pains in my stomache. I felt like someone was stabbing me. I sat up in bed crying from the pains, calling for my mother. I walked to the toliet, while I was headed that way I felt something trickleing down my leg. It was blood.
As soon as I sat down everything rushed out. BIG clots...it was horrible. [sorry, i'm open...told you so] I cried and cried :( My mom came in there she started crying too. I didn't want to go the hositpital, I don't know why now that I think of it. But we went to my gyno the next day.

She also did vaginal ultarsounds, all the same shit the Germans did. The bleeding had lighten up some, so she said a DNC wasn't nessary. Now, I'm starting to think she's nuts.

After a long talk with doctors, and my family...I got over the miscarriage and moved on with my life. Yes, it hurt...but not nearly as bad as my most recent one. :(

The thing that upsets me the most is that my doctor could have told me about the RH- then and I could have prevented this one. Yet again, it could have been another reason to why I lost it. But gut feeling tells me that's what happened.

My Husband and I started trying for a baby when I moved to Germany back in February. We discussed the topic of babies A LOT before decided to just go for it. We both went back in forth mainly because of deployment and we didn't know how I could do it alone.
So we researched what all happens in the army when a baby is brought into it. We also debated if we were able to conceive...where would I go in terms of delivery [like, stay in Germany or go home to the states]
There were so many speed bumps in the way to making a clear decision. But after much debate and a lot of thinking...we decided to just go for it. So we began to start trying around the time he got back from training in the feild for three weeks. That was around March 30th [my bday] All of April we had unprotected sex. On May 3 about a month later I found I was pregnant!(1month,5 days) We were estatic!! Family, everyone was so happy for us. May 8th [week later] we went to the movies. After sitting there for an hour and half I had to pee so I got up and felt something drip. I was like "omg" I automatically knew what was wrong :( I felt my face turn red and I got this sick feeling. I ran to the restroom, pulled down my pants and there it was...blood. I imeditally start crying. I walked out of the restroom where Seth [hubby] stood. He saw my tears, he knew too. All I could say was "I lost the baby" he was like "Are you sure, you have any pain" I didn't have any cramps or anything. Nothing hurt. But I still knew it was gone, or about to be gone.
We rushed home, me in tears. Saying "its unfair" over and over :( I kept closing my eyes wishing it was a nightmare and I was about to wake up from it.

After calling other people for advice on what to do, Seth took me to the hospital. There they gave me an vaginal ultarsound to confirm the miscarriage. I kept looking at the screen...hoping for twins. Hoping that maybe one didn't make it, and another did. But my hopes were crushed when I saw only one. I actually saw the embroy before it passed. :( [cause I was only spotting at first] My heart broke...I kept asking "why is this happening to me? Why?"

After the doctor took my blood to watch my HCG levels she told me that they were keeping me overnight to see if everything will pass on its own. If not, I'd have to have a DNC.
The next morning, they took another vaginal ultrasound and saw more tissue. The booked me for surgery right away.
Everything went well, and I ended up with no infection and just the light bleeding with eventually stopped.
I also found out that I'm RH-.....

First post!

Hi ya'll :) Name is Linzee. Sister-in-law recommended this website to me to meet others who have delt with the same pain I have. Who really understand....

So, lets get to it!!
First off;; my grammer is unproper along with spelling.
I'm not here to write essays and get graded on how well it sounds. I just want to vent and get it all out lol

Second;; I'm like totally open. Anything you want to throw my way, I'll catch it and take your advice. Don't hold it back.

Third;; I'm sweet and understanding so if you ever need a shoulder [virtual of course] to cry on....I'm here <3

Now, on to the actual blogging :)
......